I've been home almost two week now. As surreal as it still is, I'm beginning to lose the whole wide eyed look and starting to show some true colours, or at least trying to. It is overwhelming though. My sister is so much taller now. My brother is huge and he knows it. His best friend is now about taller than me. My room is a different colour and my car has a new transmission, so it catches faster than it used to. Two trees are gone from the yard. Father Ryan is building a football field. The left turn light on Hillsboro now gives more than an green arrow when turning onto Granny White. I'm noticing all these things. My head get swamped from conversations I understand. Crazy.
It is the very best feeling in the world being back home, but even then it still marks the end of something good. I can't bring myself to think about this past year in the former tense just yet. The true significance of it all has not yet enlightened me either, but that's probably because it hasn't quite ended yet, wrapped and shelved next other important moments from ago.
I feel like a different person, but a wiser set of eyes will decide whether that's true or not.
The best I can to do is just be here and love it with abandon. I come to realize that there is nothing wrong with the answer I Don't Know, as long as its not an excuse for doing nothing. I can't even have a clue to know what's next in the big scheme of things. But I've come to see the beauty in that right there, the looming uncertainty of a thousand decisions, mistakes, slights, insights, chance meetings and wrong turns left ahead for everyone to stumble upon when the time comes. Trying to look that far ahead into things just freezes one up, afraid to move.
Looking back merits the same effect too. Lord knows everyone regrets something, and focusing too much on that mistake and its ridiculousness or not letting it repeat itself is idolatry almost, robbing you of the present moment.
I'm reading some book that explains how history moves along through time on a linear scale that consists of dots, which are instances. The dots however are not small predictable events that gradually build up to a large predictable outcome, which is the way many folks in economics and academia see the world. History moves along thanks to drastic unpredictable events that come out of nowhere and throw a loop in everyone's notions of control on Wall Street. The point is that the only definite thing in the world is uncertainty. And its liberating to finally become at peace with that, to accept the uncertainty for what it is instead of outright denying it and huddling away with everything under control, an arm's length away. Moments ebb and flow and peace is found by just going with it. Only then can you rest easy and ramble on into whatever happens.
I don't know what I'm going to do with this blog. I love writing on it and have a bone to pick with the fact that it got shelved for a good long while. We'll see.
DFA1979 singer sings the blues
Sebastian Grainger- (Are There) Ways To Come Home